


How to Save a Life

by Wheelbarrow



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: M/M, college like it's 1999 baby, some alcohol & drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-13 15:37:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11763000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wheelbarrow/pseuds/Wheelbarrow
Summary: College days- the ups and downs and the in-betweens, the drama and the rumors, the sweaty frat parties with the cheap beer, making coffee at 4 in the morning, the studying, the midterms, the finals, that shitty RA-I'm gonna miss it when it's gone._______A first-person narrative following Craig Cahn and Dadsona's college days.





	1. chapter 1- fading in

       I just couldn't help myself, and that's how everything started.

 

       I met Craig the first morning of my freshman year in college. I'll never forget the moment I walked into the dorm room to see my new roommate, half naked and sprawled out on the couch, casually eating a bowl of ranch dressing with a fork. He gave me a look and said, "Hey, bro, you want some?" I couldn't help myself. Or, well- no one was there to help _us_. As soon as we finished the bowl of ranch, we went to the store to buy another.

 

       When I was invited to my first frat party, I couldn't say no. I couldn't help it. I had to get out of the dorms. A few weeks in and Craig had become depressed. I remember the night we stayed up till 4 AM talking about how his parents kicked him out because he had said he didn't want to make the same mistakes as them. He told me he just wanted to drown himself in food- it was now the only constant in his life besides me.

 

       I dragged Craig out of our dorm to go to the party. He needed it. _I_ needed it. As soon as we got there, we were greeted with the sight of drunk, sweaty frat boys doing half-assed handstands on top of some big ass beer kegs. None of them lasted for more than a few seconds, choking on alcohol that wouldn't stay down. I looked over at Craig. His eyes were shining.

 

       "Bro... you should do that," I say, nudging him with my elbow. Craig resisted, but _damn it_ I was determined to get him to chug cheap beer from that unsanitary keg if it meant he'd be happy. I nudged him again, a bit too hard this time. He stumbled forward and into the keg. A couple of wasted frat boys thought this meant he wanted to give it a go because they unquestioningly lifted him up by his legs and watched him expectantly.

 

       Craig looked at me with pleading eyes, face red. I gave him two thumbs up, but now that I think about it, it must've looked like two thumbs down from his perspective. But he caught my drift and started drinking.

 

       A few seconds passed. He kept going... and going... and going... and _holy shit, is he breathing?_ Craig got the attention of most of the crowd by now. He hadn't stopped. No one knew what to do.

 

       Instead of letting the deafening silence dishearten my roommate, I started screaming. "C'mon, Craig, bro!" I cupped my hands over my mouth. "You can do it!" And, of course, when drunk people hear someone cheering, they start cheering, too. We were all chanting Craig's name now. He was still going. And going. And I got worried.

 

       I walked up behind Craig to make sure he was still breathing- which, in hindsight, wasn't the best idea. Craig landed on his feet with a loud thud, kicking me in the face in the process.

 

       Everyone was cheering, and for the first time since he got here, Craig was smiling. Even with a black eye, I couldn't help myself. I started cheering too.

 

       That was, coincidentally, the night we met Alex and Ashley. Alex was a punk kid with dark, sun-kissed skin, a green army jacket, and a face full of freckles. Ashley was a short blonde with dark brown roots, sporting a tank top with the sides cut out. It showed her bra. I thought they were so cool.

 

       I didn't know it at the time... but that night changed my life forever. I have no idea where I'd be if I didn't go, if I hadn't taken Craig, if I wasn't even invited. Throughout our next three years of college all four of us had our ups and downs, but just like a rollercoaster, it had an end.

 

     We were at the end.

 

       So when Smashley came up with the idea to go on a road trip two weeks before our senior year started and reminisce about how innocent we were, we couldn't help ourselves. Before we knew it, we were packing our shit into my beat-up minivan and driving down the highway.

 

       The entire way there we sang along to hits (and lost our voices), ate discount gas station food (that we threw up later), became best friends with a convenience store cashier (who we almost convinced to quit their job and come with us).

 

       We planned to stay on the trail for a week. In that time span we were all eaten alive by bugs and we couldn't find the damn secret waterfall we were hoping to find. It got late. We set up camp for the last time and watched the stars as we fell asleep by the fire.

 

* * *

**a u g u s t, 1 9 9 8**

* * *

  
        "Bro... I dunno how to wake him up."  
  


       "Just fuckin... hit him with a stick or something."  
  


       "I'm not gonna beat him! Well... shit, I might have to."  
  


       "Shit, bros, is that a spider on his face?"  
  


       I stir at the mention of a spider. My shoulder twitches. I feel a pleasant breeze wash over me, and I realize I must have fallen asleep outside.  
  


       I sigh, content. Something's tickling my cheek.  
  


       _SMACK!_  
  


       I feel myself falling backwards and I shriek. My eyes shoot open, ready to fight whoever the fuck threw their sandal at me. I rub my beautiful, precious face, and... wait. Why am I sticky?  
  


       I see Smashley gasp and cover her mouth. Craig and Alex double over, laughing.  
  


       I flush with embarrassment and look at my hand... and scream. It's covered with some weird bug goo and a few legs. I jump up and run around, frantically looking for something to wipe the bug guts off of my skin with. My beautiful, perfect, greasy skin. I haven't had a bath since we got here.  
  


       Craig throws me a damp towel. I'm not sure why it's moist, but right now, I don't care. I'd rather have some strange liquid on my face than a spider's corpse. _Fuck_ spiders.  
  


       "Did anyone stop to think 'hey, maybe we can get this spider off of his face without murder'? Or did you just want to throw your sandal at me?" I complain, tossing the gross towel into a bush.  
  


       None of them respond to me. They're all just happy they found a way to wake me up. Each one of them goes back to what I _assume_ they were doing before.  
  


       I huff. I crave attention. This is injustice.  
  


       After an hour, we get some kind of breakfast going. The sun is at it's peak. I refuse to help anyone after the Sandal Incident out of my own bitterness.  
  


       "So where are we going today, bros?" I ask as I straighten out the orange fold up chair I slept on last night.  
  


       Smashley yawns and pops her back, holding a half-broken spatula in her hand. "Dunno." She raises her voice. "CRAIG! WHERE ARE WE GOING TODAY, BRO?"  
  


      Craig is a ways down the trail from us, quietly observing the nature. He holds up a hand and listens for a few seconds. I squint. _Is he high?_  
  


       Craig walks back to us, grinning. "Bros. Today we hike."  
  


       I stare at him blankly. "Bro, you... you realize that's what we've been doing this entire week, right?" I take another look at his eyes. Seriously, is he on drugs?  
  


       Craig blushes and rubs the back of his neck. "Well, I, uh. Bro, I was tryin' to make a reference."  
  


       Alex comes out of our tent with eggs. He cracks one open and it sizzles on the pot above the fire. The sound draws my attention immediately, but Craig keeps talking.  
  


       "You know the quote 'Tonight we ride'?" he says, still staring at me. I'm surprised he hasn't looked at the food yet.  
  


       "Yeah, uh-huh," I say, absentmindedly.  
  


       "Yeah. I made that reference. Tonight we hike. Get it, bro?"  
  


       "Craig." Alex cracks open another egg. I'm so fucking hungry.  
  


       "So, we're gonna go in that direction, we're gonna-"  
  


       I interrupt him again and turn towards him. "Craig."  
  


       He looks at me and blinks. "Yeah, bro?"  
  


       I stand up and walk over to him, dead leaves crunching beneath my feet. I place my hands on his shoulders and look him in the eye.  
  


       "What are you on?"  
  


       Craig laughs for a moment and sighs, shrugging my hands off of him. "I... stress, I guess?" He pauses. "We're gonna be seniors, bro. This is our last year of college, then we're gonna graduate and-"  
  


       "Bro, look at me." I take his face in my hands and squish his cheeks together. "We are gonna be just fine. This is our last day to live in freedom before we hit the road again."  
  
  
       "Bro..." Craig's lips are squished up and he looks like a fish. I don't know how he takes me seriously.  
  


       "If you guys are done having a moment, the eggs are ready."  
  


       And just like that, we turn to the fire, racing to get the biggest egg first.  
  


       Craig looks anxious as we eat. He's tapping his foot, making the rusty metal springs in his chair squeak.  
  


       Alex flicks some egg off of his jacket and looks at Craig. "Craig, why are you trippin'?"  
  


       Craig stops his nervous tick. He probably didn't even know he was doing it. "I- it's just... you'll know it when it happens. You'll like it."  
  


       Alex almost chokes on his food. "Are you gonna murder us or something?"  
  


       Smashley laughs. "If you do, kill me first. I would never pass up on an opportunity to die, especially in August." She snaps and finger guns at Craig.  
  


       Craig rolls his eyes. He starts chewing on a raw egg. I gag.  
  


       "It's a surprise, bro." He smiles.  
  


       I stand up and stretch. "Well I'm ready, everyone else looks ready, and Craig, if you eat another raw egg you'll probably get food poisoning. Shall we go?"  
  


       The others agree and start to pack up a few necessities. We never really went too far from our campsite, so whatever this 'surprise' is, it shouldn't be a far one.  
  


       About 500 feet down the trail, we hear it. It comes to us softly at first, but after a moment it's almost deafening. We find ourselves at the base of a river, listening to the roar of water. I crouch down and stare at the clear water, picking at my teeth. Something doesn't feel right about this. Rivers shouldn't be this lou-  
  
       Oh.  
  


       I swivel around to see where Craig's going, but my eyes are drawn elsewhere. I gaze up at the bright blue sky. White clouds spot the atmosphere like short puffs of air, and the sky drags on like one long, sweeping breath across the horizon.  
  


      I set my backpack on the wet dirt and walk over to the edge of the waterfall.  
  


       "Holy shit, bro."  
  


       Craig puts a hand on my shoulder. "Today, we dive."  
  


       I shove him and groan. "If you use that reference one more time I'm gonna push you, bro."  
  


       "And I'll take you down with me, _bro_. Ride together, die together. That's how it goes." He shoves me back and I have a mini heart attack, nearly losing my footing.  
  


       I hit Alex's chest and he steadies me. I breathe a sigh of relief and turn around. He's pale. "Listen, Craig. I trust you and all, but have you- _have you looked down yet?_ "  
  


       I carefully walk towards the edge of the waterfall, balancing on the wet stones, and look down.  
  


       I'm hit with a sudden wave of vertigo. The waterfall was forty feet to the ground. At the very bottom rests a of a rather placid looking lake, contrasting heavily to the violent rush of water.  
  


       I stumble back, trying to swallow my nervousness. Or was it the eggs I just ate?  
  


      I look at Craig and I find myself agreeing with Alex. Having fun is cool and all, but _jumping off a waterfall?_ That's-  
  


       A wind blazes past, swiftly cutting the air next to me like a knife. In a moment I hear screaming, and in the next moment I realize that the wind was Smashley.  
  


       Having known her for as long as we have, none of us are immediately worried about her. We watch the still lake expectantly and see her resurface with a splash, flipping her hair back and spraying water everywhere.  
  


       "You good?" I yell, watching her in awe.  
  


       She sticks out her thumb and pinky and waves. "Word."  
  


       I turn to my side to look at Craig, but when I see him, he's half naked and jumping off the ledge. I catch a glimpse of his face before he jumps and it's pure, unfiltered joy. I count and entire second before I hear a loud _SPLOOSH_ at the bottom, followed by splashing and cheering.  
  


       I feel my insides twist with nervousness, gut flaring up with butterflies. This is not okay. I'm not o-  
  


       "Hey." I look up to see Alex, staring down at me, shirtless. He holds his hand out to me. I don't remember falling on my ass, but here I am, on the ground. I take Alex's calloused hand and stand.  
  


       Alex doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to. We run towards the edge and...  
  


       ...shit. I have my clothes on.  
  


       My legs stiffen and my shins hit a large rock, teetering dangerously right at the edge of the waterfall. Alex notices I hesitated, but he follows through with the jump anyways, landing at the bottom with a splash.  
  


       My chest hits the rock _hard_. The impact knocks the wind my lungs and I'm left breathless, leaning over the edge, looking down at the calm, dark water. I watch them all get out and look for the fastest route back up.  
  


       Heat rises in my cheeks. I'm the only one that didn't jump. I bailed on Alex last second. _Alex_! He's terrified of heights and even _he_ jumped!  
  


       Heart racing, I gasp for air and quickly push off of the rock. I fly backwards and fall on my ass (again), and the huge rock tumbles off of the cliff and into the depth below.  
  


       I glare at nothing at all. Even the rock is teasing me.  
  


       By the time they make it back to me, I'm already shirtless, arms crossed as I stare at the emptiness past the cliff's edge. Smashley doesn't hesitate. She leaps off of the cliff, carefree, wholeheartedly trusting the water to catch her.  
  


       I wish I had that kind of courage.  
  


       Alex and Craig walk up to me. I know my face is red. I can't even look them in the eye.  
  


       Alex rubs my back. "It's not that bad, dude. That's coming from _me_. You know it means something when it's coming from _me_. Remember that time we all piled onto that ferris wheel and it got stuck and I started crying? _Yeah_. This is fine."  
  


       He has a point, and I know I shouldn't be scared of it if all three of them resurfaced in one piece. "I... I'm sorry for hesitating, Alex. I just- I had my clothes on." I bite my lip. It's an excuse.  
  


       Off in the distance we hear Smashley yell at us to 'hurry the fuck up'. Alex smiles at me with his stupidly perfect teeth, winks, and jumps off the cliff.  
  


       Craig leads me to the edge. My throat constricts. What were meant to be words come out as a whimper.  
  


       "C'mon, bro. Look at me, not the water." I turn to him and I'm blown away by how... _old_ he looks. He looks so sure of himself, and I find myself latching on to the steadiness in his words when he tells me, "Don't think. Just jump."  
  


       Craig doesn't give me time to think. He takes my hand in his and runs.  
  


       I close my eyes and run beside him, and- just like the water- I launch off of the cliff and into the wind, weightless for a sweet, blissful moment before I slam into the water.  
  


       I don't know when he lets go of my hand. I _do_ know that the adrenaline is running loudly through my veins, coursing through my head so fast I can hardly hear them cheering my name when I resurface. I know that I get addicted. I jump again, and again, and again, and again.  
  


       By the time the sun is setting and the sky is dusted with orange and pink, we're exhausted, sitting cold and wet next to the river downstream. Alex went back to the campsite to go find food. He's our Food Guy.  
  


       "That... was dope." I lay on my back, watching the night lazily eat away at the day. I can see a few stars already.  
  


       "Dude," Smashley smiles. "Bro."  
  


       Craig laughs. "Me too, Smash."  
  


       Smashley lurches. "Don't call me Smash, bro. It reminds me of Smash Mouth and I'm not about that life."  
  


       Craig pauses.  
  


       "...Smash."  
  


       "Craigory."  
  


       Craig dramatically jumps to his feet and throws his hands up in the air. "Oh my god. No. You can't just call me that, Smashley!"  
  


       I step in. "Hey, chill out."  
  


       "Step off, Pothead," Smashley says, flicking my forehead.  
  


       "... that's not my name."  
  


       Craig giggles. "Bro, what _if_ -"  
  


       "Guys!"  
  


        All three of us turn towards the voice. Alex runs up to us, sounding alarmed. When Alex sounds like that... it's not good. My blood runs cold.  
  


        "It's... _hff_... It's our campsite," he breathes, skin glistening with sweat.  
  


       Without another word, all four of us gather our stuff and head back to camp.  
  


       Our tents are shredded, either by an animal or by someone's rage. Food is strewn haphazardly across the trail, some of it out of the bag, some of it completely gone. Even the campfire we set up was wrecked.  
  


       "Was it an animal?" I ask, looking around for tracks.  
  


       "I dunno, but... it looks pretty recent. They took a lot of our food, bro. I'm so glad we left all our money back in the car." Alex bites the inside of his cheek. I can tell what he's thinking.  
  


       "...You wanna go after whatever it was, don't you?"  
  


       Alex looks at me sheepishly and nods. I cross my arms.  
  


       "Listen here, dumbass. You see that?" I point up. "Look at the damn sky." Alex looks at the damn sky. "It's getting dark. There's _no_ way you're going out alone."  
  


       "So I'll go with him," Craig says. My eyes dart between them.  
  


       I don't give up my protest. "No! Craig, Alex, I... it's getting dark, if either of you got hurt, I'd-"  
  


       Smashley cuts in. "Guys, remember that cabin we saw down the trail? Maybe you guys could go there and see if they can help us." She had been quiet until now. Out of all of us, she's _surprisingly_ the one with the most level head right now. We all look at each other.  
  


       "... just be back before dark," I say. Alex salutes me and follows Craig down the trail.  
  


       When they're gone, I turn to Smashley and rub my head. "I have a really, really shitty feeling right now."  
  


       She looks at me and smiles, but I can see it's empty.  
  


       "It's okay. I'm sure that whoever lives in the cabin must be a park ranger or something." She sits on the ground and pulls her knees to her chest.  
  


       I sit next to her and shiver. "What if something happens to them, though? What if whatever fucked our campsite wants to fuck them, too?"  
  


       Smashley laughs at that. I look over our ruined campsite, heart sinking in my chest. Our tents are unusable now, torn up from the inside out. Birds pick at the stuffing ripped out of our sleeping bags. Ashes from the campfire were flung in every direction. Whatever came here definitely wasn't human.  
  


       "Alex might have a pocket knife... I dunno." She rests her chin up and looks at the shy stars peeking out of the night. I tear my eyes away from the wreckage and follow her gaze.  
  


       "Ever think about what kind of person you're gonna be in five years? Or- fuck- even ten years from now?"  
  


       The question comes out of nowhere, but I don't care. I lean back on my hands and vaguely make out a constellation. It's getting cold.  
  


       "Hopefully an _alive_ person," I mumble. It was meant to be a joke, but it came out sober.  
  


       She doesn't respond for a while.  
  


       "We... we're all gonna be okay. We're gonna get a job out of college, we'll marry our soulmates, we'll have children, and we'll live long, happy lives. We'll all live close... raise our children close..." she trails off. "That's what we want, isn't it?"  
  


       I exhale through my nose. "Smashley, five years ago I had no idea I'd be the person I am now. Hell- ten years ago, I thought I'd grow up to be a good, pure person. Y'know, 'my body is a temple'. Now look at me." I gesture to myself.  
  


       "How much is everything gonna change, then?" she asks, but I don't know the answer. I don't want to know the answer. Thinking about the future or anything to do with adulthood makes me dizzy. I wish I could tap out.  
  


       "...We'll stick together, Smash," is all I can manage, even though I know we're all on the road to nowhere.  
  


       Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her smile.  
  


       And I hear footsteps. Rapid ones. We turn our attention down the trail to see two figures approaching us quickly. Something's chasing after them.  
  


       I get up and help Smashley to her feet. The figures are Alex and Craig. The thing chasing them is a... a bear. Luckily, the bear looks injured, and it's not moving as fast as it should have. Alex and Craig have a lot of ground on it.  
  


       I start running for my life.  
  


       Craig, Alex, Smashley, and I are all running in the direction of the river. I can feel my heart pound in my ears.  
  


       "We- We gotta jump off the waterfall!" Craig shouts. I hear the familiar thunder of water as we approach the river. I've never seen him move so fast in my life.  
  


       Fear and nervousness blend with adrenaline like a badly mixed cocktail. I feel like I'm going to vomit.  
  


       "It'll be fine!" Craig says, almost tripping over his feet. "Trust me!"  
  


       Part of me doesn't want to trust a guy who said 'it'd be fine' when he took his hands off the wheel to dig for a cassette tape in the glove-box and nearly drove us off of a cliff. But when I look back on the gigantic fucking brown bear chasing us through the woods, I figure there's no time for doubts.  
  


       The cliff is swiftly approaching. I take a deep breath.  
  


       _Don't think. Just jump._  
  


       All four of us leap off of the cliff and plunge into the ice cold water below.


	2. chapter 2- wayward in motion

* * *

  **a u g u s t, 1 9 9 8**

* * *

       "Okay, you see, this _whole_ mess started with a moose…”

 

       I almost choke on my food.

 

       "A moose? _Here_? In _Yellowstone_?”

 

       Alex gapes at me for a moment. “What do you mean, ‘here’? You realize they don’t _just_ live in Canada, right?”

 

       I glare at Alex. “How was I supposed to know that?” 

 

       "Bro, It’s not like they see the American/Canadian border and go ' _shit, better not cross that_ ’!”

 

       Craig laughs into his soda cup.

 

       After we jumped into the lake, we found a ranger’s station and they drove us back to the parking lot on a golf cart. The ranger didn’t ask questions, which makes me wonder how often this type of thing happens. 

 

       We walked into a McDonald’s soaking wet (which pissed off the manager) and Craig fillegal his entire soda cup with the ketchup dispenser (which prompted the manager to start chasing Craig with a plastic broom). We all took our food and bolted out of the door, making a makeshift picnic by sitting in the trunk of my minivan with the backseat down.

 

       I look up at the stars, amazed that I’m still alive. We probably should have died at least three different times tonight.

 

       Smashley nudges Alex. “The moose?”

 

       Alex straightens up and wipes some mayo off his nose. He’s always been a messy eater.

 

       “Right, right. So we walked up to this cabin and we went up to a window. It was pretty dark inside. I don’t think anyone lived there. We _totally_ could’ve crashed the cabin for the night, dude. We were gonna go knock but all of a sudden we hear some loud ass noises behind us.”

 

       Craig stretched his arms out wide, almost smacking me in the face. “It was a bear and it was all like _ROOOOOAAARRRR_!!! And then this huge moose tried to- fuck, what’s the word- _horn_ this bear? And the moose was all like, _MOOOOOOOOO_! EFF YOU!” 

 

       Craig curls his fingers and makes a dramatic reenactment of the fight. He starts punching his right hand with his left hand. I have no idea what’s going on.

 

       Alex scoffs. “Meese don’t ' _moo_ ’, Craig.”

 

       Craig pauses and stares at Alex blankly. “What the fuck is a meese?”

 

       "It’s the plural form of moose. Duh.”

 

       “Craig, Alex, the plural form of moose is _moose_. Can we get past this, guys? I wanna know what happens next.” I pout and sip on my watered down soda.

 

       Craig opens his mouth multiple times, trying to find the right words to say. “Wha- bu- there was only one moose, though!”

 

       I bury my face in my hands and groan. How are we gonna pass senior year?

 

       Alex leans back. “And it was a bigass moose, bro. It was so hardcore. He was fighting a bigass bear. What kinda moose _does_ that? This thing had it’s antlers on the bear's leg- I think it broke it or something, 'cause the bear started limping. The moose had it cornered and Craig thought it was gonna body slam this bear and put it in a headlock.”

 

       Craig swings his arms again. “Then it hit the moose like SWOOSH, bro! Like _SWOOSH_! With this big bear paw the size of my headg, bro! The moose ran off in our direction and it like, made a 90 degree turn at the last second.”

 

       Whoa. I’m genuinely surprised Craig knows how much 90 degrees is.

 

       Alex picks up before Craig can start making more sound effects.

 

       “And there we were, alone, standing with our backs to this cabin, a pissed off brown bear charging at us with the speed of a thousand horses.” I snort. Alex loves his metaphors.

 

       “Bro, I’m no scientist or whatever, but I’m pretty sure one bear doesn’t equal a thousand horses,” Smashley says. Her sarcasm isn’t any better than Alex’s poetry or Craig’s exaggerations, but at least it doesn’t make my IQ shrivel. 

 

       Instead of taking the opportunity to argue over approximately how much bear equates to how much horse, Alex ignores her and keeps talking. “So we started running, and this bear was picking up speed, so we ran faster. I’ve never run so fast in my life.”

 

       “Then we saw you bros and I was, like, screaming! It was so wicked, bro! And I had that idea to jump off the waterfall cause, like, bears can’t jump, right?” At this point, we’re all too tired to correct him. “And _bam_! We jumped!”

 

       "And now here we are,” Alex saus.

 

       Silence washes over us. I tilt my head softly and look up at the moon. It’s just like a looking glass- like a telescope the universe looks through. I wonder what the universe thinks about Craig. “Why is that one drinking a tomato?”

 

       After looking at the cosmos for a few minutes, I begin to feel very uncomfortable. I’m not in the mood for an existential crisis.

 

       “Guys, you wanna call it a night? We can all sleep in the car if we try hard enough.”

 

       No one complains. We all crawl back in the car, put the backseat back up, lock the doors, and just like that- we doze off in an empty McDonald’s parking lot.

 

***

  
       “Craig. Bro. Wake up.”

 

       I lean over and shake his shoulders. Craig groans, mouth falling open and drool dribbling out of his mouth. Everyone’s awake, ready to bounce, and Craig’s asleep in the driver’s seat.

 

       “Bro,” Smashley yawns, “do the thing.”

 

       "Which thing?”

 

       “You know the one thing you did that time the day after that one floor party in sophomore year?”

 

       I smile and nod. I get closer to Craig and lean my entire body over the center console of the car. Lips inches away from his ear, I whisper… 

 

       “… _Marinara_.”

 

       Craig lurches forward, smacking me in the face. The impact throws me back and I land on the steering wheel, setting off the horn. The manager from the night before flips us off.

 

        _Marinara_. Works every time.

 

       It takes several tries to start the engine, but with a loud _bang_ , the engine roars to life. I glance at Craig.

 

       “Are you okay to drive, bro?” I can tell Craig’s exhausted, but he gives me a thumbs up. “Good, 'cause we have to make a 35 hour drive in 24. We have to be there by 12."

 

       And with that, Craig hits the gas.

 

       Road trips are much less dreamy and romantic than people make it out to be. The reality of it is living off of gas station food, stopping in the middle of the highway to switch drivers, contemplating staying the night at a sketchy motel, and trying to jump-start my dying car. All of you smell bad and annoy each other 24/7. It's hell.

 

       We were somewhere in Middle of Nowhere, Pennslyvania when the arguing over the radio began. Smashley is driving, and Alex broke one of Craig’s mixtapes. Tensions are high.

 

       "Alex! That tape was straight _fire_ , bro! It’ll take forever to put a new one together.”

 

       “So your idea of ' _straight fire_ ’ is just Nirvana?”

 

       Smashley slams on the brakes and screams “BRAKE CHECK!”

 

       Craig and Alex fly forward. In their brief moment of confusion, Smashley whips out her Best of Disney (1990-1997) CD and pops it into the radio. I have to beat it several times for it to work.

 

       The Circle of Life starts playing.

 

       "Bro, is this the Lion King?"

 

       Craig and Alex call a short truce, screaming illegibly to the beginning of the song.

 

       "Guys, guys, hold up." Craig leans over his seat to grab a 12 pack of lukewarm beer. _Oh shit_.

 

       By the time the last song is playing, my vision is blurred and I could’ve sworn that road sign said 'MASSACHUSETS: 80 _000000000_ MILES’. Or maybe we’re just moving really fast.

 

       I watch Craig and Alex get halfway out the car, windows rolled down all the way. I crank my window down and join them, leaning my whole upper body out of the car. 

 

       I stretch out my arms and imagine myself on a magic carpet, even though we’re only a bunch of kids in a beat-up car going 80 down the interstate.

 

       I start to scream-sing. “A WHOLE NEW _WOOOOOOOORLD_!" We bang our fists on the top of the car and leave a few dents in the roof. I can’t even hear myself over the wind. 

 

       Smashley turns the music up full blast, and I’m afraid for a fleeting moment that it’ll blow out my speakers before thinking… fuck it. Fuck this car. Fuck road trips, fuck school, fuck life. And fuck this gross ass beer. Where did we even get it from?

 

       The music picks up again. Craig is doing the 'look, bro! no hands’ type thing. What an idiot.

 

       “A NEW FANTASTIC POOOOOINT OF VIEW!” We drive past a huge clearing of trees that opened up to an expanse of dead autumn plains. Fields and fields of brown grass and yellow trees pass us by.

 

       “NO ONE CAN TELL US NO-” I narrowly dodge a tree branch- “OR WHERE TO GO, OR SAY WE’RE ONLY DREAMING!” 

 

       We probably sounded like we were singing a shitty version of the national anthem, but in our hazed-over minds, we could start a punk band and take the world by storm.

 

       I turn around to see Alex right behind me, face glowing brighter than the sunrise. The pink and orange of the sky reflects in his eyes.

 

       I wish I could live in this moment forever- feel so lightweight I think I’m flying, feel the wind ripple through my hair in every direction at once, feel my dry eyes fill with tears in the wind.

 

       It’s peaceful. It’s exciting. In one thrilling moment, it’s gone forever.

 

       We slide back in the car, faces red and raw from the wind, throats dry from screaming. 

 

       I look out the window and warch as the telltale signs of Maple Bay emerge from the forest. The wilderness encroached on the slow drawl of suburbia, claiming a few abandoned buildings on the outskirts of town. 

 

       And, all of a sudden, we’re back, arriving at campus the day we were supposed to arrive. We had already moved our things into our room before we left on the camping trip.

 

       We say our goodbyes to Smashley and Alex and head up to our dorm- third floor, smack in the middle of the building. Which is also the worst floor in the building. Through the open door we watch a guy run down the hallway, geating chased by some dude that’s on fire.

 

       I raise a glass of tap water to Craig, and we both nod in mutual understanding as the fire alarm goes off. We’ve been there.

 

       “To dorm life.”


	3. chapter 3- friday night death slot

* * *

**s e p t e m b e r, 1 9 9 8**

* * *

 

       _Soy un perdedor_

_I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me?_

       The dorm is quiet aside for soft music playing from Craig's radio. I drift into consciousness,  barely  breathing.  The full weight of a heavy hangover hits me all at once, head throbbing in tune with my heartbeat like a dull, painful melody.

       My arms tighten around the pillow I've been spooning for the majority of the night. I lean back into the couch. 

       _What day is it? Has the alarm rung yet?_ I  faintly  remember hearing a loud noise a few hours ago. Whatever. I might still have some time to sleep before class starts. Getting drunk on a Thursday night wasn't the best idea.

 

       My eyes flutter closed and I roll to the side, limbs aching in a  pleasantly  tired way. Waking up before the alarm makes me happy. It makes me feel like I have more time to sleep in. I know I should get up, but  I think  class doesn't start for an hour anyw-

       _RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING_.

 

       The alarm goes off, and it keeps ringing... and ringing... and ringing. Its persistence is amazing. I put a pillow over my head. It rattles off the table and onto the floor.. and the floor starts vibrating. I can't imagine how much the people the floor below us must want to kill me right now.

       Sleepiness turns into annoyance, and annoyance turns into anger  impressively  fast. I swing my legs over the side of the couch and grab the clock, slamming my fist on the 'off' switch.

       I sigh. At least it got me up. I suppose that's the point of getting an old school alarm clock like that. Craig found it at a garage sale.

       I look around the room and see it's in a mess. I stand up, back popping in protest. _I know, baby. I know. We can get through this, spine. I believe in you._ I start to pick up empty cans of whatever the hell we drank last night and throw them in the trash bin.

       I yawn and glance at the clock. It reads... 9:53 AM.

       Oh.

       I look around the room, vision blurred around the edges.  I feel  like my eyes are going 100mph but my body's doing 10. I stumble forward,  narrowly  avoiding stubbing my toe on the couch (again). "Craig? Bro!" I follow the sound of the radio, tripping over a few blankets that definitely aren't ours. It might be Smashley and her roommate's. It's funny sneaking her into our room when we're hanging out with Alex. She passes off pretty well as a guy.

       Huh. I'm shirtless.

       That's the first thought that goes through my head when I open the door, even though the first thing I lay eyes on is Craig, lying half on the bed, half on the floor... naked. His skin is still pale, not red with blood rush, so I'm assuming he  just  now fell on the floor.  Probably  happened when the alarm went off.

       "Bro, wake up." I squish his face with my toes. The pad of my foot caresses his cheek. Craig groans and swats at my leg with his hand, mumbling some nonsense about how the fish are trying to eat him.

 

       I persist. "Craig, we gotta go to class. We have to get good attendance. When we get good attendance, we get good grades. When we get good grades, we pass. And when we pass, we graduate. When we graduate, we get a degree. And when we get a degree, we get a job." I start tapping his face. "C'mon."

       "Dude... we don't _have_ to, bro." A single sentence has never summed up Craig's vocabulary so well. He called me dude and bro in the same sentence.

       "Bro, we have five minutes to get to class. _Five_." I resign myself to physical measures that I know my body isn't prepared for. I squat down and slide my arms under his shoulders. I lift him up and _holy shit_ he's heavy.

 

       I'm interrupted from my heavy-lifting for the day when I hear a sound. A few moments later I hear it again, and it doesn't stop.

       I narrow my eyes.  Only _one_ person in the _entire_ student body and faculty of Grand Ridge University would knock and _keep knocking_ _._ My hands clench into fists. _Brock_.

       Brock is an RA for our floor. Craig and I  are _convinced_ he carries an egg in his mouth at all times. He has these weird deformed cheeks, and they expand whenever he gets angry. Which is all the time. Brock has a Thing for me and Craig.  Smashley made a running joke that he has a crush us, and he's only picking on us 'cause he's bad at expressing himself. But now it's _annoying_. He tries to write us up for every single thing we do, but in some way or another we dodge him or come up with some kind of excuse.

       That doesn't stop him from yelling and getting pissed off every time he sees us.

       Craig and I run to class all the time.  It's gotten to the point of passive aggressiveness that, whenever we're in a building and see Brock, we race each other up the stairs to piss him off. Brock hates the sound of thumping and... well... any sound,  really.

       Right now I have no fucking clue what we've done.  If anything happened, it would've happened last night- though most of the time when we drink alone, we stay inside our room and try to be quiet.

       I drop Craig to the carpet with a loud thud. He makes a pained noise.

       "Okay, Craig, you put on some clothes. Since I'm less naked and less hungover than you, _I'll_ talk to him."

 

       Craig,  fully  awake now, scrambles to his feet. I make my way to the door.  Maybe  if I flex my non-existent six pack enough he'll leave us alone.

 

       I open our door. The lights in the hallway blind me for a half a second, but when my eyes adjust, I... yeah, that's Brock. And there's the egg. Oh god, the egg's expanding.

       "Your music is too loud," he grunts.

       I look at him, confused. "Dude, what music?"

       As if on cue, an otherwise quiet song picks up _very_ conveniently and _very_ loudly for the chorus.

       _SAY IT AIN'T SO!_

_Your drug is a heart-breaker._

       My fucking luck. Did Craig  just  turn it up? I'm gonna beat him.

       Brock scoffs. It sounds like he's choking on lettuce. "Is... is that _Weezer_? You're listening to _Weezer_?"  Brock pronounces 'Weezer' as 'Wheezer' and I'm overwhelmed with the urge to bang my head against a wall until I get a concussion.

       "Yeah... it is." Ever heard of good music? "I'll turn it down." I close the door, but Brock sticks his foot in the door frame. My patience breaks. We don't have time for this.

       "Absolutely  not. Where there's Weezer music, there's marijuana. I'll schedule you for a room inspe-"

       "Brock. _Look_ at me." I put my hand on his shoulder and force him to stare into my eyes. If I hear him say another word I'm going to scream. "Do you smell pot?"

       Brock takes a step towards me and inhales  deeply. He lingers a little too long and I'm uncomfortable.

       "...No. But that doesn't me-"

 

       "Anything else?" I reply  curtly, growing anxious. Leave. Leave. Leave. Please leave.

       "No. That's it."

       That's all I need. I close the door on him and turn around. I see Craig hunched over, hand on the radio knob. He clicks the off button and when he straightens up, I realize he's still naked. _There's no time_. I put my hands on my head, pull my hair, and _scream_.

       "PUT SOME _CLOTHES_ ON, BRO!"

 

       There's another knock at the door. I turn around and fling it open. It's Brock. _Immediately_ I slam the door again and turn around,  frantically  searching for clothes. I don't care what I put on at this point as long as it covers my skin.

       I jump out of my sweatpants and find a shirt and pants- _Craig's_ shirt and pants from last night. 

       I turn around and see Craig dressed in my clothes from last night. He shrugs.

 

       "Bro, _please_ tell me you have underwear on."

       Craig avoids eye contact and brings a hand to the back of his neck. He opens his mouth and was about to speak, but... we have no time for explanations. I toss him his bag, sling mine over my shoulder, grab him by the collar of his shirt and bolt out the door. My hands are shaking and it takes me ten seconds longer than usual to lock the door. I turn down the hall and, to my dismay, I see Brock approaching, egg swelling in his mouth.

       We'll have to take the stairs. Craig and I run in the opposite direction and throw open the doors to the stairwell. We hop on the railing and slide all the way down to the first floor, then sprint across campus in record speed. The air I take in with rapid, gasping breaths lights my lungs on fire.  I feel  myself gag, but neither of us can stop now.  We run under the long, sloping maple trees in the courtyard that cast an orange shadow reflecting their dying leaves. A lazy autumn breeze rolls by and leaves fall from the foliage.

       Craig looks back on me and smiles. He's  just  as breathless as I am.

       We burst into the building and head straight for the stairs. We run up to the second floor, down the hall, and  watch  as the last door in the hallway gets larger and larger as we approach.

       Then with one final push, we step into the small classroom, sweating. I heave and set my hands on my knees. Craig collapses. I'm pretty sure he's dead.

       The professor looks up from his desk. He readjusts his glasses and hums. "Huh. Impressive. Precisely _two_ milliseconds to spare."

       The door opens behind us and what seems like half the class walks in. The professor doesn't even bat an eye.

       I offer a hand to Craig. "Bro, _why_ did we run?" I help him up. He's trembling.

       We take our usual spots in the very back of the classroom. Neither of us pay attention the entire time, and that's usually how it goes in classes we have together. Craig falls asleep and I count the spots on the ceiling.  I think  the professor's doing a PowerPoint over the chapter in the textbook we  were supposed  to read.

       "Anyways, there's going to be a test Monday and a study group in the library on Sunday. I hope you did the reading last night."

       _That_ got my attention. I have sudden flashbacks to last night, approximately 9PM. I was eating a peanut-butter pizza. Craig chugged an entire carton of milk.

       My skin makes a velcro-like sound when I move my hand from my face, cheek red from leaning on it for so long. I look at Craig, who's  just  as shocked as I am.

       I don't register that class is over until a buzz of conversations  gently  roll over the room. People get their stuff together and head out the door. Craig and I are the last two to leave,  visibly  shaken. A test. We have a _test_. I mean, I know I've taken tests before and I've been in this situation before, but shit I'm unprepared.

       Neither of us say anything until we're both outside, walking back down the courtyard path. Craig clears his throat. "So, uh... have you read the textbook?"

       I stop. "Craig, I... I didn't even buy it."

       He blinks. "Bro. Me _too_."

       We give each other a look and laugh. I'm not sure what I expected. That textbook was $150, and there's no way we were gonna waste our precious food money on our education.

 

       "There might be one at the library. Is this your only class today, too? We should hang out there for the rest of the day."

       I nod in agreement and we take a right turn, sauntering towards the library. I stretch. "Sucks that we can't get Smashley or Alex to come."

       Smashley  was suspended  from the library for the rest of the month. I had no idea that was even a thing. She was on the top floor of the library- a floor reserved for total silence.  Apparently  she read the sign 'no talking' and decided to shout everything instead.

       "What's Alex up to?"

       I huff. Alex is _much_ smarter than Craig and I and could definitely help us, but he was busy passing out flyers for a blood drive. He volunteers at the health center a lot.

       "Some thing for the health center. He's passing out flyers for a blood drive. A blood drive I _refuse_ to go to." Needles freak me out.

 

       "What _if_ though? They'd draw straight orange Fanta out of me, bro."

       I grin. "So that's where they get it from."

       The air conditioning blasts us with warm air as we walk indoors. Once we check in, we head to the third floor, a large space with textbooks, tables, and individual study rooms.

 

       Craig goes off to find the textbook and I wander around to find an open table. I choose one in the far corner of the library, one with two wide armchairs. I plop down into the chair that's against the wall, nestle into the corner, and wait.

       I get bored rather  quickly. My thoughts drift to the weather, the forecasts, and finally to the day of the week. It's Friday, isn't it? _Why are we even here?_ I guess it's because it's guaranteed to be the one day the textbook is available on the shelves. It's always deserted here on Fridays. Everyone would much rather go back to their dorms and sleep in than be here.

       And then it comes to me.

       _Saturday_ is tomorrow. Not  just  any Saturday- the _second_ Saturday.  Specifically , the second Saturday of _September_. More  specifically , it's _Sigma Pi's_ Second Saturday of September.

       I feel  dizzy.

       Sigma Pi throws a party every year to kick off the new semester. It's _wild_. Civilization doesn't exist there. Freshman year I watched a guy take acid and eat a couch because he said  was red. The couch was white.  The next year a photography student took acid, drew someone's face in the carpet with mustard, laid on top of it and called it art. She tried to fight anyone that came close to her. The next year Craig was doing a keg stand and some guy took acid and exploded a pancake.  Seriously. The kitchen was on fire.

       I'm not excited to see who takes acid this year, or what they do. Every year I tell myself I'm not going back, but every year Smashley finds a new way to drag us there. She thinks it's a good time to reflect on how this all started. It's the party we all met at.

 

       ...Okay. I'm pretty excited.

       Craig finds me after what feels like ages. He slams the textbook onto the table and sits, moaning when he hits the chair's soft cushioning.

 

       "Dude, do you know what day it is tomorrow?"

       When Craig's eyes open, I see them roll forwards from the back of his head. "...Saturday?" he replies, sounding drained.

       "Yeah? And?" I have to keep pressing. He has to remember.

       Craig closes his eyes again. He's silent for a few moments. I stop talking, and when I'm almost certain he's fallen asleep, it comes to him.

       He jumps forward and slams his hands on the table. "No. _No, no, no_. No. _Bro_."

       Craig leans across the table and takes my face in his hands. We stay like that for a moment, Craig searching for the last bit of humanity in my eyes. He searches for anything, _anything_ to tell him that I'm human, that I have morals. That I still have sanity.

       Craig leans in closer. He can tell what I'm thinking. "...no."

       I take his face in my hands. We're touching each other. People are staring.

       "...We are _so_ gonna go anyways."

       At this Craig slumps  dramatically  and throws the textbook open. He feigns distraught, but I can see a hint of a smile on his face.

       A few minutes pass and this isn't working.  We take turns absorbing the text, flipping the book in different directions, trying to find a good angle to read in. After staring at sideways words for what feels like an eon, I sit back.

       "Bro-"

       "I know."

       It's like he read my mind. Craig slides next to me and puts his arm around my shoulders so he can fit better.

       A few minutes pass and I decide this isn't working out well, either. I can't stop thinking about how warm he is. I was about to tell him to go back to his chair, but a girl walked up to us and asked "Is this seat taken?" before the suggestion could leave my mouth. Craig shook his head. The girl dragged it to a nearby table.

       There goes that.

       ....

       I can feel his heartbeat.

       I think back to earlier when I saw him naked.  I feel  heat rise to my face. Since when did _that_ make me blush? I've seen him naked more times than I can count. He's my bro. My _bro_. I would nev-

       "Bro, _fuck_ this professor."

 

       I almost jump out of my skin. I laugh  nervously  and run a hand through my hair. "I can tell it'll be a weird year with him. He was timing us, bro."

       Craig looks at me and rolls his eyes. "He didn't even care about the other people that walked in late. Why's it have to be us? It's _always_ us."

       "We have a talent for getting people to hate us, Craig. It's in our nature."

 

       "I hate this nature." He's right. It feels like nature does everything it can to work against us.

       We both laugh humorlessly and fall into silence.

       Craig's expression distorts. He looks wistful for a moment. "Some people in our year are already married and have kids, bro."

       I press my lips together in a smile. "Here's to being single losers and leading unstable futures forever."

       We bump fists, but there's some sort of uneasy feeling I can't place. It feels... empty. It feels like stress. It feels like fear.

       I change the subject.

       "Bro. We gotta pass this test."

 

***

       We walk out of the library and into the night. It's dark out. The path back to our dorm is  dimly  lit with street lamps.

       When we pass through a dark spot, and I hear something rustle nearby. Craig must've heard it too. We stop in our tracks at the same time, staring into the pitch black void in front of us. I can feel my blood run cold.

       Noises  are made  again, and they're deeper this time. My fight or flight instinct kicks in. I grab Craig's shoulder and push, but he's frozen in place. The only thing I can hear is his fragile breathing and the low hum of whatever's waiting for us in the darkness.

       It lunges. Craig falls and lands on his ass. An old man with a long walking stick comes out of the darkness.  A girl with pointy ears strikes a match and lights a lantern, illuminating the faces of other strange, dressed up people and- wait a minute, is that guy's beard fake ?

       Oh, hell. It's the fucking LARP group.

       I feel like an idiot. The guy wearing a fake beard walks up to me. _Kurt_. His name is Kurt.  I think  he's dressed up as some kind of wizard. He points his staff at me and pokes my chest. This is the third time this week he's approached me.

       "Who goes there?"

       I swallow hard. I hear Craig curse under his breath behind me. "...Some dudes?"

       "Hello, 'Somedudes'. Welcome to the kingdom." He raises his stick- his staff- and pats my cheek. "You look like a foreigner to me. A strange nose and some silly hair."

       "Is that how you flirt now?"

       He didn't hear me.

       "Woah, _he_ called someone _strange_?" A girl gasps. The other LARPers gain interest, moving to look at us. I see Craig stand next to me out of the corner of my eye. He's confused.

       "Yes. His name is Somedudes. Look at his strange outfit. I haven't seen you wear _those_ clothes before."

       "So you've been... spying on me?"

       I hear a girl giggle. Kurt blushes.

 

       "I-I'm a powerful wizard! I know all and see all. Stand _down_ , mortal."

       Craig steps in. "And I'm Craig, also a wizard. I come from Reality, and what you  just  said is bippity-boppity-bullshit. C'mon." Without warning, Craig takes my arm and starts walking.

       I throw Kurt a peace sign. He looks enraged.

       We walk into the dorm late. Both of us fell asleep at the library and decided to give up on studying for the year.

       Craig exhales  loudly. "Thank god, I thought it'd never end. I'm so tired, bro. I thought those nerds would never leave us alone." Craig starts changing clothes. He climbs into his bed and face plants onto his pillow.

       I pick my sheets off the floor and throw them onto the bed. "Ah, yes. Craig. My knight in shining armor." I turn off the lights and body-slam my blankets, feeling  just  as broken down as my car. "...We're gonna go to that party tomorrow."

       Craig throws a pillow at me.


	4. chapter 4- clairvoyant

* * *

  **s e p t e m b e r, 1 9 9 8**

* * *

 

       My car sputters to a stop a few blocks away from our destination. All the streets leading up to the house are _packed_ with cars.

 

       Smashley is the first one out of the car. It's still light outside, but she insisted on coming early so there'd be more food for us.

 

       Looks like we weren't the only ones.

 

       As soon as she gets out of the car, she spreads her arms and spins. I stumble out of the car and walk down the sidewalk _much_ less gracefully, nearly tripping over my feet several times. 

 

       When we're a block away, we hear music. They're playing some Matchbox Twenty songs. It sounds like the party started hours ago.

 

       "I _told_ you guys we should've gone earlier," she pouts. 

 

       Craig scoffs. "Its 6PM! Hardly _anyone_ goes to a frat party before 6PM."

 

       "Wow. _So_  observant. I never would've guessed." Smashley gestures to the cars jammed into the street with one hand and flips him off with the other.

 

       "I've always hated you, Smash Mouth." 

 

       "Ditto, Craigory."

 

       Craig winces.

 

       A large, 4-story house looms into view and towers over all the other houses in the streets. I think some kind of rich alumni owns it and rents it out to the fraternity.

 

       On the outside it's dark brown and grey with chipping paint, but on the inside, it has garish yellow and green walls. I cringe. The awful interior design will _forever_ haunt me.

 

       Right before we walk through the door, a guy stops us. I've never seen him before. Is he new?

 

       He stands in front of the door and makes it apparent that he's not going to let us pass. He clears his throat. "It's $3 to get in, guys."

 

        " _What?_ " That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I wouldn't put it past Sigma Pi to do this, but I don't understand why they world _need_ to. They're by far the richest fraternity in Maple Bay.

 

       He shrugs. "I don't make the rules! They're taking admissions now. Just pay me, dude." I look at his hand and narrow my eyes. He's holding a fat stack of cash.

 

       "...How about we don't." Craig tries to step past him, but he puffs up his chest and looks up at him.

 

       "How about you _do_?"

 

       For someone much smaller than us, he sure is confident in himself. "I-"

 

       Someone throws the door open and screams. "DIMITRIIIIIII _IIIIIIII_!"

 

       The guy who I assume to be Dimitri takes off. "THIS IS THE _SECOND_ PARTY THIS MONTH!"

 

       "I GOTTA PAY MY TUITION SOMEHOW! _DEUCES_."

 

       We all stare dumbly as he's chased down the street.

 

       Alex clears his throat. "...Alright. Not the _craziest_ thing that we'll see tonight."

 

       We walk in, and it gets crazier.

 

       It looks like these people really _have_ been here for a while. Craig is instantly swarmed. He turns to us and gives us a carefree smile, throwing us a peace sign as he's ushered to the nearest keg.

 

       I roll my eyes. It's the first thing anyone wants Craig to do when he walks in the doors.

 

       Smashley steps in between us and the crowd surrounding Craig. " _So_ , now that Craig's too busy for us, shall we go see where they're hiding all the food?"

 

       Is that even a question?

 

       We walk through the house and navigate to the kitchen. 

 

       There's... not much.

 

       Someone ordered twenty boxes of pizza at some point, but everything's been picked over. All that's left are five slices of triple cheese pizza and one severely deformed breadstick.

 

 

       There's an assortment of open bottles on the counter next to a sticky note that read "take whatever :-)". That _should_ have been a red flag, but if Craig's getting drunk and hungover, I am too. We're in this _together_.

 

       Smashley pours drinks and I realize how empty the kitchen's become. Everyone's packed into the living room, cheering Craig's name.

 

       I stand in the doorway and watch. The crowd is pulsing with excitement, caught up in the moment and the energy surrounding them. I know as soon as it ends they'll cheer for a little while longer... then go back ignoring him. Like nothing ever happened. This hurts Craig more than he likes to admit- but attention is one _hell_ of a drug, and he only gets it when he's getting drunk.

 

 

 

       I chug my drink as soon as it's in my hand. It burns a _lot_ more than it should going down, but I'm too distracted by the twisted feeling in my gut to care.

 

       I push through the crowd. It's much easier to make my way to Craig than I expected. Drunk people have some resistance, but everyone here is too... _happy_... to resist.

 

       I can barely see over everyone's heads, but when a group of people shift aside, I see just how bizzare the guys holding Craig look. They seem nauseous.

 

       I falter a few times, but I'm closer to Craig now. Right behind him, actually. I'm not sure if I'm having deja vu, vertigo, or if the alcohol hit me fast, but I'm abruptly aware of how dizzy I've gotten.

 

 

       That's when the guys holding Craig start screaming, and several people in the circle start freaking out, too.

 

       Everything falls into chaos at once.

 

       They let go of Craig and I catch him, just like I caught him four years ago today at our very first party. Craig starts coughing uncontrollably. I look around the room and feel like I'm in an entirely different world.

 

       Oh, _fuck_.

 

       I slump against the wall. In the opposite corner of the room I see the dude that was collecting "admission" at the door dancing with a lobster. He's protective of it, shielding the poor thing from some frat boys that want to cook it. Or put it back in it's tank. I don't know what's going on. 

 

       My head feels like lead when I turn it, vision blurring with a massive head rush. When my eyes focus again, I'm looking into the next room, watching people duct tape a girl to the wall. _The floor is_ _lava_ , they say. _We're helping you._

 

       One of the guys holding the duct tape is on fire. He's not concerned about it at all.

 

       I feel Craig get off of my chest. He turns around and stares into my eyes for a few minutes. Really. It feels like _forever_. 

 

       He runs his hand hand through his hair and I swear I see his arm twitch. I can't tell if his eyes got bigger or if his pupils are just super dialated.

 

       "Bro," Craig says, voice muffled. Is someone stuffing my ears with cotton balls? " _I can read your mind_."

 

       I laugh. "Bro, what?"

 

       He points at my face. "They're like, words, bro. Neon green- _no_ , that looks red? Bro, your mind is rainbow Comic Sans."

 

       I see Alex and Smashley's faces in my peripheral vision. I go cross eyed trying to look at both of them at once.

 

       "Guys, guys!" I point at my head. "Look."

 

       I can't reat the expression on their faces. Smashley says something to Alex as she grabs my face, forcing my eyes to focus on her.

 

       I smile. "Sm-Smash, what am I thinking?"

 

       It looks like her eyebrows get bigger. I giggle and gently push her to the side so I can look at Craig.

 

       "Bro, what's it say now?"

 

       Craig looks at me with a smile on his face. "...Sick."

 

 

       I hear water running and I jump, startled. Smashley is pouring the contents of her cup into a potted plant. I watch the plant shrivel and die.

 

 

       "Bro! You killed that plant!" I don't know why I'm so annoyed. It's not even my plant, but I just witnessed murder.

 

 

       I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's Alex's. "Nothing happened to it, bro. It's plastic."

 

       "If its plastic, how come it's breathing?"

 

       I hear Smashley's voice from behind me. "Because you're on acid." 

 

       I have a heart attack. "What's _acid_?"

 

       They look at me. Craig gasps. "Bro it's... a chemical. An _acidic_ one."

 

       I pat my body. A tingling sensation shivers down my spine. "Why isn't it burning? Why am I not burning? Am I burning, bro?"

 

 

       "Bro, you're melting!"

 

       I touch my cheek, but I'm too numb to feel anything. Oh god he must be right. Oh god I'm melting. I mean, melting feels _alright_ , but oh god I don't wanna die right now.

 

       I don't pay attention to the next few moments, but once I stop panicking I realize I'm in the backyard. Someone's rubbing my back. 

 

       Smashley grabs my shoulder. She looks worried, and it makes me panic. _Shit, she sees me melting too_.

 

       "You can stop melting if you stick your fingers really far down your throat and move them around. You too, Craig."

 

       I look at Craig and... he's melting. Not horrifically, more like he's suddenly made of ice cream and it's hot outside. He sticks his fingers in his throat and... oh, gross. Gross, gross. _Gross_. After a minute he's done. I glance at him tentatively.

 

       He's solid again.

 

 

       Thats all the motivation I need. I stick my fingers into my mouth. Deeper, deeper, deeper...

 

       ...what the fuck. Nothing's happening. Alex takes my hand and tries to shove it deeper. Again,  _nothing happens_. My throat feels fluffy like cotton candy. What?

 

       At this point, my entire fist is in my mouth.

 

       "Jesus fuck, where's your gag reflex, bro?" Smashley says, hand on my wrist.

 

       I take my hand out of my mouth and hiccup. I don't know what to do, so I start sobbing, shaking, chest tightening with panic. My logic centers have _completely_ shut down. "I'll melt. I'll melt and my brain's gonna melt, too. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die! I'm gonna-"

 

       Alex steadies me. "You're not gonna die. Look at me. _You're not gonna die._ "

 

       I hiccup again. "...I'm immortal?" That prospect was even more horrifying. I start crying again.

 

       "I'm never gonna die! I'm gonna be a puddle for the rest of eternity, bro!" I think I hear Alex try to talk to me again, but for whatever reason, I can't calm down. I feel a hand pat my back. _I feel si_ -

 

       It's like my body issues a mandatory evacuation. I hear sirens go off in my head as I hunch over and feel all the contents lurch out of my stomach. I close my eyes.

 

 

       I hear talking in the background. My brain forms a weak, paper-thin link to reality, and I attempt to make out the words.

 

       A female voice. Smashley. She's sighing. "It's not ... gonna ... sober."

 

       A deeper voice from behind me. Alex. "Yeah, but who knows... drinks. The entire... is on it."

 

       I take a deep breath. My hearing clears as though someone ripped the cotton out of my head. My ears ache.

 

       Smashley speaks again. "It worked _way_ too fast for LSD."

 

       An unfamiliar voice comes in. "Yeah, it's a new strain. Rumor has it one of the sororities made it."

 

       "Okay, but what was it doing in our drinks?" she says aggressively.

 

       "Did no one tell you?" He sounds defensive. "They put it all in the drinks on _purpose_. It's the theme this year. The high hits quick and lasts hours and hours."

 

       " _Hours_? He can't be high for hours! He _can't_. He's freaking out." Is she talking about me?

 

       "I mean, they threw it up, they'll be fine in half an hour I guess. Depends on their metabolism. Y'know. Science and physiology and stuff."

 

 

 

       I wipe my mouth and turn around. 

 

       I see the guy Smashley was talking to. A generic frat boy. He looks by a freshman and he's _clearly_ trying to impress her (it's failing miserably). He sways back and forth. "You guys are welcome to stay, but I dunno if the police are gonna show up or not."

 

       Her face drops. She continues to argue with him. I don't think this guy knows he's in an argument- he's just happy he's talking to a girl.

 

       I look over at Alex and... he's right next to me. I feel heat rise to my face and dinert my gaze to Craig, who's currently slumped over in a patio chair. 

 

       None of them look blurry anymore. I think that's a good sign.

 

       Smashley walks back into the house without looking back at us. "We're leaving."

 

       No one argues. We walk out of the party and I'm surprised I can still walk. Craig's piggybacking on Alex. He looks exhausted.

 

       As soon as we get to the car, I take my keys out of my pocket. I need to get to bed. I feel like I've been turned inside out.

 

       "I- I can't drive," I stitter. Alex helps Craig into the backseat and takes my keys. He puts the car in reverse and tells us the game plan.

 

       "When we get back to campus we're all gonna go up to your room, Alex. Smash, you're on disguise."

 

       The night air burns my nose. I roll up my window. "Alex, Craig and I- we're fine-"

 

       I see something flash across Alex's face in the rear view mirror. Something that I can't quite grasp in my mental state. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something, but he closes it and thinks for a moment.

 

       "You scared me." He says a lot with so few words. I'm too tired to press and relax into the leather seat.

 

***

 

       Smashley keeps her head down and her arms crossed when I swipe everyone in. Thankfully, there's no sign of any egg-mouthed RA's, so we walk into our dorm without incident.

 

       Craig falls on the couch and straight into sleep. He doesn't even flinch when I take the pillow out from under his head. The bedroom is only a few paces away, but it might as well be miles from where I'm sitting.

 

 

       Alex is sitting on a blanket on the floor, right next to the couch. I prop the pillow up against him and lay on the hard carpet floor. I'm half asleep when I feel a hand run through my hair. A second hand drops from the couch to rest on my waist.

 

       I feel warm.

 

       I feel safe.

 

       I feel myself fall asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [dimitri](coffeeflavoredqueer.tumblr.com)


	5. chapter 5- tremors

* * *

  **o c t o b e r, 1 9 9 8**

* * *

 

 

       Ever since that September night things haven't been the same. One thing shifts in the mud- and over time that one offset grows and grows and turns into a landslide, taking everything down with it.

 

       But this is just the beginning.

 

       Its October.

 

       Every October since freshman year, I've gotten sick. Not just a _cough cough I'm cold_ sick, but an _if I breathe too hard I'll vomit_ sick. And every October since freshman year, Craig and I have gotten into a fight.

 

       I hate it. The virus claws at my throat and tears it so deep I lose my voice. It eats me inside out; starting with my stomach, finishing with my heart.

 

       Smashley says it's a curse, and Craig says it's a demon. He's not entirely wrong.

 

       He's used to taking care of me every October, but I'm not the most pleasant person to look after. When I'm sick I'm always in a shitty mood. It's like my emotional status is thrown back to being an angsty, moody teenager. I snap at him, I yell at him... and sometimes he yells back. It hurts when he does.

 

       I've been living out of dread until it blindsided me one morning. I woke up to find a lump in my throat and a paler than usual face staring back at me in the mirror.

 

       Craig's been catching on. Lately, he's been worried about me. Checking up on me, asking if I've been feeling okay. I can see the stress in his actions. He's been dreading it, too.

 

       Things have been going... great. Compared to what I expected out of my senior year in college, I feel like I'm floating on clouds. Everyone does. I don't want to be the one to ruin it like I do every year. 

 

       So I have to hide it.

 

       If Alex finds out, he'll force me to stay in my bed. He won't let me go anywhere- nor after the virus outbreak in '96. They had to shut down classes for a _week_ and health center was _packed_.

 

       When I'm in my room for so long, I become depressed. When I'm depressed I'm irritated, and once my irritation peaks, my emotions get the best of me.

 

       Worst of all, Craig will try to take care of me. Craig's got a heart of gold (most of the time) but he _sucks_ at taking care of people. One time he almost smothered me with my own pillow.

 

       It hurts to hide anything from Craig as much as this fucking stomach pain. But I have to take my losses as they come.

 

       Nothing lasts forever.

 

       At some party on a Tuesday night, I felt cold even though I was wearing layers. The room was spinning and everyone was still. I felt nauseous but I hadn't touched a drink. 

 

       I had to leave. I slid out of the bathroom window and kicked through some bushes, drawn to the promise of a cozy bed waiting for me. As soon as I thought I was in the clear to run back to my dorm, Alex runs up next to me.

 

       "Hey, are you okay?"

 

       "Alex, I..."

 

       I throw up in the bushes. He holds my hair back. What a good sport.

 

       "It's that time of the year, isn't it?" He says. My heart drops.

 

       "Yeah," I spit, straightening up. I push past him and start walking again.

 

       "Does Craig know?" Great. _More_ words I don't want to hear.

 

       "No, I think I'm gonna wait it out again."

 

       "Why?"

 

       At this point, all I want is to go home and take a nap. I don't want to feel bad emotionally _and_ physically, and I'm sure as hell not in the mood to answer so many questions.

 

       "I don't fucking know what it is, okay?"

 

       As soon as the words leave my mouth, regret washes over me. I wish my vocal chords had an off switch.

 

       I sigh through my nose. "Sorry, I'm just..."

 

       "It's okay." I know it's not. Alex purses his lips. "...We could go to the health center. I have access to their resources."

 

       I shrug. I really, really don't want to.

 

       He looks at me, street lights shining in his eyes. "We can find out what it is, you know."

 

       I might as well make it up to him. "Alright."

 

       We walk into the building and I feel like ass. 

 

       I didn't know how fast I was walking until I hear Alex laugh and chase after me. "Slow down there. You don't even know where we're going yet."

 

       He goes down the hall and unlocks a door labeled 'storage'. Inside is a room full of books, computers, and... a couch. That's the only part I'm interested in. While Alex walks up to a computer, I make myself comfortable and lay down.

 

       The computer makes a loud whirring noise when Alex presses the 'on' button. I hear a little bit of typing.

 

       Alex clears his throat. "Okay, describe your symptoms."

 

       My head hurts. "Is this really gonna work?"

 

       "Well, I mean... _sometimes_ it's not all accurate. But it's worth a shot."

 

       "...Okay." Thinking is hard. "Whenever I wake up the first thing I wanna do is throw up. Some days I don't eat anything and some days I eat everything I see. I get mood swings, too, but I dunno if it's the virus that makes me that way or if it's just me. Oh, and stomach pains."

 

       The computer whirrs again. "How long have you been feeling like that?"

 

       "I dunno, it's what I've felt the past few years. It hit me about a day ago."

 

       Alex turns to the computer and clicks. There's a long pause.

 

       I look up. "What?"

 

       He looks at me and coughs awkwardly. "...You're pregnant."

 

       I get up and leave. Alex scrambles to turn everything off and catches up to me.

 

       " _Hey_ , hey, that doesn't mean anything. I _know_ you're not pregnant, I... I'm sorry I dragged you all the way out here."

 

       I don't know why I feel so upset, and I don't know why I feel the need to take it out on Alex. "Just stop _talking_ about it, okay?"

 

       I know I'm being an asshole. That stresses me out even more.

 

       Alex bites his lip. I shove my hands deep into my pockets and huff.

 

       We walk all the way back to my dorm. He only says something when I'm about to walk into the elevator.

 

       "Let me come with you," he says, trying to get in with me.

 

       "No." I watch Alex's face drop, but I don't need him worrying about me, either. "I'm fine. Thanks, but I'm fine."

 

       The elevator shuts on him,  sealing the space between us. And just like that, I've shut myself in again.

 

       I get into my room and slam the door shut. There's several knocks on the door, which I can only assume to be Brock, followed by an obnoxious "Shut up!"

 

       I curse at him under my breath even though I know he can't hear me. Its not fun getting swamped with stress, regret, and nausea all at once.

 

       I fall into bed with my clothes on and curl up into a ball.

 

       Its getting the best of me again.

 

       Time passes and hours feel like seconds. Craig walks in and says something. I can't respond. My throat is closed up.

 

       He shakes me. I think I groan. Why can't I remember how I got here?

 

       I open my eyes but I'm facing the wall. Shapes spin in my vision.

 

       "Bro, are you okay?"

 

       Once I see that I'm not in any immediate danger, I close my eyes again. "...Mm."

 

       "You're burning up, bro."

 

       I let out an annoyed breath and try to shake him off. Can he leave me alone?

 

       He tries to talk to me again, but I don't respond. He picks up the landline and dials a number.

 

       He talks on the phone for a few moments. I can't make out what he's saying. I wish he would stop talking so loud. I'm trying to _sleep_.

 

       I start caring when I feel myself being lifted up. Since when did a _second_ person get here?

 

       I'm being carried somewhere. My world spins in one bright blur like someone's waving a flashlight in my eyes. Before I know it I'm in a car, and I'm being carried into a building with even _brighter_ lights, burning and flashing and in my face... 

 

       ... until they aren't.

 

***

 

       I come back into consciousness with a start, vaguely aware of my surroundings.

 

       It's morning. Light pours in between the blinds in the window. 

 

       It takes me a moment to come to the conclusion that there aren't, in fact, _any_ fucking windows in my bedroom, and that my bedroom doesn't look exactly like a hospital room.

 

       I'm in the ER.

 

       I look at myself. I'm wearing the clothes from last night minus my jacket.

 

       Oh, and there's a needle in my arm.

 

       ...Theres a needle in my arm.

 

       A needle.

 

       A   _n e e d l e_. 

 

       A nurse walks in and I jump. She sees me touching the IV leading into my arm and calmly moves my hand away from it.

 

       "Relax, honey. It's just for rehydration. You were awfully dehydrated when your friend's brought you here last night. I'll take it out in a minute."

 

       Now that I think about it, I feel a lot more refreshed. Wait, _friends?_

 

       She makes notes on her clipboard while talking to me.

 

       "You've been prescribed some medication that'll help kill that virus of yours."

 

       I clear my throat. It feels dry. "I'm sorry, I- I probably couldn't afford it."

 

       The nurse looks at me. "Oh, and don't worry about the expenses- it's all been covered by your insurance and the campus."

 

       "What? The _campus_ is covering this?"

 

       "Alex, how did you not know that? You get benefits by volunteering and working at the health center."

 

       "I... oh."

 

       I look down at my body and- _nope_ , still me. We didn't have some sort of out of body experience where we traded souls... but that confuses me even more. If I'm Alex, and Alex is Alex, then _where the hell is Alex?_

 

       "Your friends have been here all night. I'll go get 'em and see if they want to come in."

 

       I'm left alone for a very brief moment. The door opens. I watch Craig and the Real Alex walk through the door.

 

       Oh. There he is. So _that's_ who Craig was on the phone with. I was checked in under Alex's name so... so I could receive his insurance.

 

       I look away. I don't deserve either of them.

 

       They exchange a few words with the nurse before she leaves. They sigh in relief and turn on me.

 

       "Bro, why didn't you tell me?" I hear pain in Craig's voice. I still can't look at him.

 

       Alex starts talking. I know what he's going to say before the words even leave his mouth. "You should've let me stay the night with you."

 

       Craig, again. His voice carries more weight than before. "You can't just hide things from us like this."

 

       Alex runs a hand through his messy hair. "You made us worry."

 

       "I'm sorry." The words are quiet and hoarse, but they're all I can say. It gets them to stop talking.

 

       The nurse comes back in and takes out the IV. It took several tries because I kept tensing up every time she got close. _Fuck_ needles. She gives me a bottle of pills and tells me to take one a day. I'm checked out of the hospital in minutes.

 

       Craig and Alex take me back. None of us say anything. I sit with a heavy slouch in the backseat, a dark cloud hanging over my head.

 

       That night I lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. I do it the next night as well, and the next, the same four blue walls closing in around me like they always do. 

 

       My life is like a broken record, skipping back to the same section over and over. Any time I get up it's when I run into the bathroom or the kitchen, and each time I do, Craig and I get into a fight- _You should be in bed_ , he'd say, _you should shut up_ , I'd say. 

 

       I feel horrible.

 

       Craig told me that Alex took care of signing me in as 'sick'. It made me feel even worse that he was taking care of me after how I'd treated him. I told Craig he could tell Alex that _I don't need his help_ , though I knew Craig wouldn't pass that kind of message along to him.

 

       I'm suffocating. The lukewarm air in the room escapes my lungs in a sigh every time I have to deal with Craig coming back late and telling me about all the _crazy_ things they've done. I told Craig he could either _sleep on the couch_ or _stop telling me about all the fun he's having without me_.

 

       "I didn't mean it that way, bro. I just thought-"

 

       "What could you possibly think that would make me feel better? _Please_ , Craig, heal my sickness with your mind. Use your laser vision to tear a hole in my gut. Or, y'know, you could shut up."

 

       Craig left the room and didn't come back the rest of the night. The emptiness I felt that night rapidly filled with sadness. I buried my face in my pillow and cried but I cried _softly_ \- I didn't want Craig coming back in. I didn't want to hear his voice, soft and steady. I didn't want to hear my voice, shaky and ragged, biting back at him because I'm so damn _angry_ and I have nothing else to take it out on.

  

       I only know he's left when I hear the door slam shut behind him. My sickness taunts me today, keeping me awake with heavy aches and stomach growls.

 

       I couldn't get out of bed without dry heaving or falling. I laid consciously aware Craig's empty bed. I did everything to distract myself; counting the dots on the ceiling, changing the dials on the radio, listening to footsteps from the floor above.

 

       I try everything, but I can't break the feeling. My eyes are coated with a careful mist the entire day, balancing on the sharp edge of a breakdown and a shutdown. 

 

       It feels like hours have passed. He doesn't even have classes on Friday. He's _avoiding_ me.

 

       When Craig comes home, he doesn't come home alone.

 

       A few voices that come outside the door is all the warning I have before Smashley, Alex and Craig walk in.

 

       Alex turns on a lamp and I blink, rubbing my dry eyes. Smashley's holding a small tupperware bowl full of something that smells... edible. 

 

       Craig is the last one I see. He's straying around the back of the room. When we make eye contact he comes forward, face illuminated by the lamplight.

 

       "I tho- I... _guessed_... you would want company. I just want you to be happy, bro."

 

       I pull Craig closer to me by the front of his shirt, and wrap an arm around him. It's a one- sided hug and lasted for a few seconds, but it was enough to relax me.

 

       As soon as Craig steps back Smashley fills the space between us. She sets the container on my lap and hands me a spoon. "Anyways, I brought you some _actual_ , _edible_ food." 

 

       "Smash, thanks, but I- I'm not-"

 

       "You'd better eat that soup unless you want me to feed it to you," Alex says.

 

       I wink at him. "Is that a promise?"

 

       Alex reaches for the spoon and I've never retracted so fast in my life. I hit the back of my head against the wall and we laugh.

 

       Craig sits at the foot of my bed. Alex and Smashley sit on the floor.

 

       "Uh, thanks. You know, for the soup," I say softly, voice clogged with Some Shit. The soup burns going down but I drink it up anyways.

 

       "I did it so you could, y'know, not starve yourself." 

 

       I roll my eyes and continue to chug the soup. When I stop to breathe, Alex breaks the silence.

 

       "So what's up?"

 

       I look up. "Looks like it's still the ceiling."

 

       Smashley scoffs. "This is why you're sick."

 

       "You know what I'm sick of?" I stick my tongue out at her. "Your shit."

 

       "I mean, if you actually refrained from loading your body with poison, you wouldn't be sick," Alex says matter-of-factly. 

 

       That gets me defensive embarrassingly fast. " _Hey!_ Lunchables are _heaven_ sent." I would die every day for them if I had to.

 

       "I mean, if you _tried_ some fruit-"

 

       I cross my arms. "Not today, Satan."

 

       Craig furrows his eyebrows in thought. "Actually, I think we have some fruit."

 

       Smashley snorts. "Hah. I'm gonna go look." She stands and leaves the room.

 

       Alex smiles. "If she actually finds something, I'll make you a fruit bowl."

 

       I throw up my hands. "Hey, I'm not tryna kinkshame, but you can go fuck your bowl of fruit. Nothing else will."

 

        Alex almost jumps at me. " _You_ -"

 

       Smashley sticks her head back in the door. "Why's this banana have 'you suck' on it?"

 

       Craig raises his eyebrows. "Because you suck."

 

       She closes the door behind her with a soft _click_ and saunters back to her spot on the floor. "What an ignorant refrigerated banana."

 

       "...Refrigerated?" Alex says incredulously.

 

       Smashley starts peeling it. "Yeah. And there was only _this_ one. I think it was from that one time when that dude was passing them out at that party we went to."

 

       Alex glares at Craig. "You put the stupid in 'stupid'. Yes, the whole word."

 

       "What? Why?"

 

       "Well- first of all, you think REM is an exciting band to listen to, and you refrigerated a banana. _A_ banana. _Singular_."

 

       "There's nothing wrong with REM!"

 

       "Oh yeah? Let's listen to them right now." Alex gets up and rummages through Craig's drawers, finding the cassette tape he was looking for and popping it into the radio.

 

       I place the now empty bowl on the nightstand. _Losing My Religion_ starts playing, and... I'm falling asleep. I slump and lay fully down, stretching out my legs and kicking Craig in the shins.

 

       Smashley laughs. "Falling asleep already? I didn't even get to poison the soup."

 

       I flip her off and roll to my side.

 

       A few minutes pass with a few more words said. Voices fade and the lamp is shut off. I feel someone lift the blanket at my feet and lay it my shoulders. Instinctively I curl into the warmth, trying to pull the feeling inside of me.

 

       " _Craig, c'mon!_ "

 

       And they were gone.

 

***

 

       After something ruins you, the only thing you can do is pick yourself back up. Roll out of bed. Force your tired, aching body to put one foot in front of the other and carry on.

 

       I get out of bed and shower. The feeling of hot water washing the tension out of my sore muscles is almost orgasmic.

 

        Craig's gone, and so is everyone else. I don't know what time it is. All I know is that I have to go somewhere, even if I don't know where. I have to _breathe_.

 

       Right foot. Left foot. Open the door. Close it.

 

       I feel hot and tired, but not like before. Once again my body- _and my mind_ \- have burned themselves out.

 

       I'm at the top floor, facing a few steps that lead up to a door.

 

       Its unlocked.

 

       When I open the door, I'm thrown back to the camping trip. It's a beautiful rolling sky, except instead of miles of green as far as the eye can see, the sprawling campus of Grand Ridge University lies at the feet of the sunset.

 

       I hear the door jiggle. Instead of running and looking for a hiding spot, I'm frozen in place. If it's an RA, I'm done for. What am I doing up here? I got lost- _no_ , someone came and locked me up here last night- 

 

       "Bro?"

 

       It's... Craig.

 

       "I'm sorry, I... kinda followed you." He walks up next to me and we watch a plane go by. 

 

       A lot of things are left unsaid. But Craig says enough.

 

       "We're gonna be alright, bro."

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](https://raddadds.tumblr.com/)


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